"Every child deserves a home." --Harry Holt

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What Is It Called When People Voice What You Are Thinking When You Can't Put It Into Words Yourself? Let's Just Go With Divine...

Internal struggle over the last few months has been my guilt/anxiety/fear/desire/confusion about being a working mother. In many ways, this is not an issue for us to "work out" because we had a plan long before starting the adoption process about how we would work this out. The original "plan" was that I would keep working full-time when we had our first child. When #2 came along, it would depend how far apart the kids were in ages, but I would still work (at least part-time) and then we would figure things out from there. It is fair to say that I would like to re-visit the "plan." I know I complain about work, and being tired, and blah blah blah, but at the end of the day. I like working... I have a feeling that I might go nuts if I stay home full-time, but I also know that I already feel intense guilt about working and putting our child in daycare. No, I don't think daycare is evil. I have a working mom and she is pretty amazing. I have a great relationship with her. I have always known that I (and my siblings) were here priority over work. She still puts in mega-effort at her job, but the family was first...ALWAYS. (Do I just remember the house always being clean, too? She couldn't have worked all day and raised children and always had a clean house, right?) I can't even keep the house clean without kids around...I'm doomed in that department!

Interestingly enough, my mom is the only person that I have truly voiced my desires and concerns too. Part of me wants to stay home because, after this elephant's gestation period waiting for our little one...I don't want to turn around and put him/her in daycare, BUT I love my job (most days...today notwithstanding). Neither decision feels like the "right" one. I don't feel like my prayers have produced a clear path or answer either. Even K --a rather 'thrifty' guy responds, "We can make either decision work." That just isn't helpful!!!!!!!

Well, I love this blog: http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/ and I think she wrote THIS post just for me (well, not really). It is about adopted children and daycare. It didn't necessarily give me an answer, but I felt a little more normal for having all of the questions I've been tossing around in my mind. 

What is your experience with daycare or staying at home with the kids? What worked for you what didn't? Was your daycare a center, in someone's home, in your home (nanny)? How did you feel? If you could do it over again, what would you do differently? Seriously, I need to start talking about this. I don't need anyone to TELL me what to do, I just need to think EVERYTHING through so that I can get comfortable with my emotions about it all. I'm trying to give it all up to the big guy (that would be God, K is referred to as Mr. Man or Nerd...not big guy), but I think he knows me well enough to know that I am an "information-gatherer." As always, hurtful comments need not apply. Not all criticism is constructive. Thanks in advance for your stories and comments!!!!!


Dustin & Megan said...

i used to work 50 hours a week, manage a store and manage several employees. i couldn't imagine staying home. what would i do? how would i feel accomplished? so many different questions. well i slowly transitioned and now stay at home full time. we won't get to bring our adopted daughter home till next year but i am so thankful to be in the position to stay at home. if that is what god is calling you to, then go for it. if god is calling you to keep working, then go for it. there is nothing wrong with putting your child in daycare, they will receive love and care there also. i just wanted to let you know that as scary as staying home can be, you can change. sometimes god has other "plans" for us :)

theweckerlys said...

That is a tough decision - for any mom, but I can imagine the additional worries for an adoptive one. Right now I work part time (2 days a week + some evenings, depending on what needs to be done) and it is perfect. I love going to work and having that adult interaction and somewhat of a challenge for myself. But on the other hand, I get the remaining 5 days a week with the girls, which is great, and we get to do lots of fun things together. Since Chad works long hours, I'm also glad that I can be home with them a majority of the time.

When I just had Reagan and was at home with her, it was honestly a little...lonely. I obviously loved spending time with her, but I live in a remote village called Hurdsfield. :) There aren't a ton of things to do here or other young moms to get together with. Now that we have two, there is rarely a dull moment. Deciding to put them in daycare was a difficult process, but you will know when you find the right place. Reagan didn't go to daycare until she was 2 (almost 3), so I felt good about taking her those couple days a week. She was getting some time to interact with other kids her age, which was great. Elise was only about 6 months old when they started going, so that was tougher on me, but I always felt better somehow that she had her sister there.

I don't know what the future will hold for us as far as working or more kids, but right now our situation is working for us. :) Good luck with your decision!

Amy said...

You are awesome. :) I didn't really want to give any answers because I truly believe each of us have to have our own journey and live the lives God gave us. I don't think there is any one answer- because every person, every situation is different. And, no matter how we choose to live our lives we will always have struggles and wonder 'what if' things were different. So, I believe the best place to start is on our knees asking God what He has for us and ask Him to show us the way. You are doing a great job as a mom. :)

Jennifer said...

I am a mom to two toddlers (bio son who's 26mo and adpt daughter who's 14mo). When I had our son, I stayed home for 4 months and hired a part-time nanny (2days/wk). I worked from home 1 day, my mothers watched him 2 days. and our nanny the other 2 days. It was perfect...I could work fulltime, keep my 4mo son at home where I felt it was best for him, have grammy take care of him and a nanny only part time.

Just before bringing my daughter home, we decided to hire a full-time nanny to be at the house mon-fri with both kids. I took leave for 2.5 months to bond/attach with Ella and help Julian get used to his new world. When I went back to work, I continued to work from home on Monday's, but the demands on 2 kids made it impossible for me to get work done w/o some help that day. Plus, my mom didn't have the energy to care for 2 toddler once Ella came home (which I totally get).

Until we decide to move to the far suburbs (which may happen in the next few years), I will continue to work full-time. Once we move, I will likely find another job part-time or stop entirely (but likely just find somehting part-time, knowing me). For now, I don't mind how crazy life is with 2 kids and a full-time job. It works for us, as much as I completely miss my kids during the day.

And, I have found that my bond with my children is strong and great, regardless of me not being home 4 days/week. My daughter has become most attached to me than anyone else - which I think is a huge accomplishment in the early months of adoption. And my son is thriving and growing up to be such a good little boy. I cannot ask for much more...we are fortunate.

Best of luck with your decision...you will find the right plan for you and your family!

LBWV said...

Jennifer-- thank you, thank you! I just needed to hear someone say it like that. You have no idea how much you put my heart and brain at ease with your words. Amazing!

Tessa- You rock my world. You are such a great Mom...Can we move ND and IA closer together???

Amy--you already know I think you are the Bee's Knees!!!!

Dustin & Megan--such thoughtful people with such a thoughtful and helpful response.

I Love My Life.


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